We're Not in Kansas Anymore

I just got back from spending Christmas with my family in Kansas. And who knew what kind of crazy family dynamics would come out of the woodwork now that I've re-entered the tribe of singletons. I mean, there was no fist fighting drama...just a lot of comments and gift-giving from the parents that let me know where I stand in their eyes. Conclusions are as follows:

My parents think there's a good chance I will stay single forever.
Evidence: While eating brunch on Christmas day with my family and my brother's in-laws, my mom announces, "When I get old, I'll just move in with [me]. If she's still not married by then, she can take care of me."

My parents think I am in need of spiritual exercise.
Evidence: In addition to a bathrobe and a winter coat that's 2 sizes too big, I received a series of "spiritual fitness" gifts from my parents. Items included: a PAPERWEIGHT that reads "Nature does not hurry yet everything is accomplished, " a sterling silver bracelet that reads "To thine own self be true," and a t-shirts that says "Open mind, strong body, beautiful soul." And if that wasn't enough, the box also included a DVD on how to apply make up and a pair of blue furry socks. WTF?!

My parents think they are still supporting me financially.
Evidence: My dad told my brother he is waiting for me to get married so he can retire. He also told my brother that he's expecting all my siblings to contribute to said event. Mind you -- outside of the occasional financial support for a plane ticket home, my parents are not helping me out financially...and my dad is a total workaholic and will probably never retire.

Ahhhhh, there's no place like home.