And They Lived Happily Ever After

WOW.
Ladies, dreams really do come true.
SC and I are engaged after 13 months of dating. I am moving out to Seattle in 2 weeks and while leaving my current city is scary, I am genuinely thrilled to be taking this next step in my life. On the other hand, I feel like I'm leaving a very special "tribe" of single women who have consoled me and/or celebrated with me about the ups and downs of dating over the last few years.

As my last post (and of course, I decide to do this at 1 am and have to work tomorrow), I feel compelled to leave a few parting words to the rest of the tribe of singletons about lessons I've learned.

Lesson #1: Listen to your gut.
This is so cliche but my adventure with SC made this very real to me. After he and I got engaged over Memorial Day weekend, I flipped back through some old journals to find out when I first thought he was "the one." It was about 8 years ago. I'm not lying -- I started crying when I reread my journal entry. All the reasons I listed back then as to why I liked him, were all the same reasons why I love him today. My gut told me to invite him to Israel and while I knew it was a risky move, it was a risky move I was willing to take.

Lesson #2: Don't compromise your standards -- at least not the truly worthwhile ones.
Think about the fabulous life you are capable of creating for yourself, entirely on your own. Now think seriously about the quality of life you would have if you were with your crush long term. Would his presence greatly enhance the fabulousness (is that even a word?) of your life that you know you can experience on your own? If the answer is "no," then do not waste your time. If the answer is "yes," then the guy is probably a keeper.

Lesson #3: Develop your own dating metacognition.
In education, we talk a lot about metacognition -- which is basically thinking about your thinking. The same idea can and should be applied to dating. What are your strengths when it comes to dating? What are some common mistakes you've made? What parts of dating are most important to you? What did you learn from your last relationship and how can those lessons help you be even more confident in your next relationship? Date smarter, not harder.

Well, that's it from me. Thanks for reading my blog and being my own set of therapists. You've been awesome. Must go pack...

Brings 10 lbs of Ribs

That's what a girl does when it's her surrogate boyfriend's birthday party.

I just got back from my weekend with SC for his birthday. We had a great time at the football game although the weather was a little crummy. As expressed in my previous posting, the irrational side of my brain has recently become fixated on GAGC. I'm pretty sure this issue is soon to fall off my radar, but I'm allowing myself a few days to perseverate about it and then start laughing it off.

As a follow up to my posting, I wanted to let you know how the birthday party went. There was a solid turn out of SC's work friends and they are all very nice. They all brought a ton of food so there was no shortage of anything. The comical-to-me-but-probably-to-nobody-else moment of course, involved GAGC. Before party time, she was sure to communicate with SC via text/phone/email stressing out about what else she should bring, etc. He gets off the phone and says, "She's bringing 10 pounds of ribs. She says her mom made them." OK, had I been a nice girlfriend, I should've just smiled and said, "Oh that's nice. What a thoughtful act of kindness to perform on your birthday." But instead I said, "Well, that's what a girl does when she has a crush on a boy." I don't think he liked that too much. So I had a moment of weakness, big deal.

She and I spoke for a bit at the party, (after she insisted on standing outside with him to grill all the meat she had brought) and she actually seems like a nice girl. A bit intense, but nice.

By now I'm sure all of you think I have trust issues. And I probably do. But today I had an epiphany about why guys consistently go wrong in thinking that they can have a normal friendship with a girl with whom they've hooked up with and think that she "knows I don't like her like that." I blame it on some of the fundamental differences between the way men and women handle conflict.

Guys method (I learned this by observing interactions between 110 teenage boys while chaperoning them on a baseball trip a few summers ago):
One guy (Guy A) will be a total jerk while in a group of other guys. Everyone will tolerate it but eventually, another guy (Guy B) will call Guy A out on the carpet. Guy B will usually say something like, "Dude, you're being an a**hole. Cut it out." And poof -- after 2 milliseconds of awkward silence, Guy A gets himself together, quits being an a-hole, and 10 minutes later, everyone's having a good time talking about how good their fantasy football team is doing. Conflict over.

Female method:
Too involved to document. Basically involves a lot of passive aggressive behavior and reading way too much into the minutia of pretty much everything.

So, when you apply these dynamics to situations like the SC and GACG situation -- he TOTALLY knows he's not into her at the relationship level, he had the "talk" with her about it, and as far as he's concerned -- case closed. BUT...that's not how we women think. We think (and come on now, be honest with yourselves, we've all felt like this at least once), "Yeah...he started seeing this other girl now...but he keeps calling me to hang out. So he must still like me at least a little bit..." and then every action is read through that filter -- and we still allow our hearts to skip a beat when he texts, emails, or even calls. "There could still be a chance!" that little voice says in the back of your dating heart. And it always takes a few extra unanswered calls, texts, or emails for us to really understand what's going on.

On that note, my larger concern is not that I think SC is going to cheat on me or something like that -- in fact, I have the most confidence I've ever had with someone I've dated that nothing will happen. My concern is actually the maelstrom that could be brewing when he continues to hang out with GACG in my absence thinking everything's just fine, and then she freakshows on him when he starts cutting back on their time together and starts giving up his role as her surrogate boyfriend. I suppose if she does freakshow, it's not my problem. But it would sure warrant an "I told you so" moment. And sometimes that's better than 10 pounds of ribs.

Talk Me Down From the Psycho-Girlfriend Ledge, Please

WARNING: What you are about to read was composed by a nearly-30-and-not-married woman who is days away from getting her period, at home on a Sunday night doing work even though she has tomorrow off for Veteran's Day, has a boyfriend that lives 3 time zones away, and could really use a massage and a stiff drink right now. And yes, she knows she's being irrational.

I haven't posted to this thing in months. A good thing I suppose, right? Things with SC are going AWESOME. And I feel terrible to my handful of readers that I've been slacking on my updates. I've had several nights of "Oh I should really post this..." but then have fallen asleep in front of my laptop instead. Tonight, of course, is an exception. Naturally I've painted myself into the self-inflicted dating tornado corner and am using this space to clear my head.

For those of you who know the extent of my dating shananigans, you will find my my tirade hysterical -- mostly because it's par for the course for me, especially in light of my dating curses.

Imagine this scenario that is consuming 70% of my brain power right now (the remaining 30% is split between my joy of the Rams finally winning a game this season and writing a 40 page document for work):

Scene 1
SC's birthday is this upcoming weekend. I'm flying out for it. He has been emphasizing for weeks that he didn't want to have an event with lots of people so I shouldn't plan anything. To honor his request, I buy us tickets to the local college football game.

Scene 2
He tells me he's got co-workers who are also attending the game. We decide we'll tailgate together (birthday cake and beer) before the game or just have them over after the game.

Scene 3
He IMs me to ask if it's ok to combine the post-game get together with a close co-worker/friend's celebration due to her recent school committee win. I say it's cool with me.

Scene 4
He forwards me an evite for the event. But he isn't listed as the host...instead, the female co-worker with whom he had a fling with before he and I started dating is listed as the host. (Let's call her Get A Clue Girl -- GACG) I raise an eyebrow. Further perusal of the evite reveals that 25 people have been invited, it's still at his house, it's listed as a potluck, but SC has replied saying he's going to take care of the food so people shouldn't worry about bringing anything. I raise my other eyebrow. This carefree birthday weekend is now turning into quite an event. And apparently it's being hosted by his surrogate girlfriend.

Scene 5
SC gets season tickets for the NBA. He's heading to a game right now. And guess who's going with him? GACG.

So I guess I should insert Scene 4.5 too...that would be a few nights ago when I finally blurted out to him that I was a little weirded out that GACG was now hosting his birthday party and that he was taking her to a game before he and I got to go together. Now, the rational side of me needs to publicly acknowledge SC's incredible ability to handle the discussion maturely and not discount my feelings (MUCH different than similar conversations when with the Ex). He did a good job, in fact -- a damn good job...until about 15 minutes ago.

I'm feeling like a wounded puppy right now because he knew I was jealous (YES, I am actually using the word...big step for me) about this game thing tonight. Based on all the empathy he told me he had for me the other night, you'd think he'd give me a ring today to have a general 10 minute conversation -- especially since he missed my call earlier in the day. Instead, I just got a text message apologizing for not answering since he was working and that he was on his way to the game...followed a few minutes later with another text saying he liked me.

And all I can think is, "If he can spare the 3 hours and beer he's spending on GACG tonight but can't take a few minutes to call me, it's going to take a lot more than 2 text messages to make me feel special."

So high maintenance...I know.

Practice Makes Perfect

In case you haven't noticed, I am a worrier. I worry if I locked my car doors, turned the oven off, unplugged the iron, have been walking around with one earring on, etc. I also have noticed that I worry about relationship stuff too. So over the last few months I've been practicing how to NOT "overthink" things.

Recent examples include:
a) SC finding out he'd have to go out of state for a few days during my visit for work. Old GirlNextDoor would've freaked out, been ridiculously sad, and probably shed some tears. Instead, I practiced not overthinking and acknowledged the situation as something out of our control and immediately set up a mini-road trip to visit a friend in Portland. And good thing I didn't waste much energy because SC's work trip ended up being canceled at the last minute and everyone won in the end -- I got to see my friend in Portland, he could stay late at work without any guilt, and we still got to enjoy a baseball game.
b) SC got the dates mixed up for a wedding we're attending later this month. He was off by a week and of course, we realized the mistake AFTER I had purchased my ticket. I allowed myself to be annoyed for a few minutes and then gave him the responsibility to correct my ticket (which he offered to do ) and hoped for the best in terms of finding someone to cover my fitness class. Again, I practiced not overthinking all the things that could make the situation even more difficult and everything worked out fine. He fixed the ticket, I found a sub, and we'll get to see each other a week sooner than we had planned.

Despite these small victories, I'm facing another situation that I'm doubtful I'll win. I'm leaving Seattle tomorrow night after a wonderful visit. I would like to make it through the next 24 hours without crying and say goodbye at the airport without turning into a tearful disaster. We've had so much fun together this week that the idea of going back to email, missed text messages, and a smattering of cellphone/Skype conversations is such a downer. And while those things are all fine forms of communication, nothing compares to falling asleep with my head on his shoulder.

So I need to practice not overthinking this departure. Too late now, huh?

Dropping a Pebble in Still Water

Again, my huge slowdown in posts is a sign that things with SC are good!

Since my last post in June, we've seen each other three times and I'm getting ready to fly out to see him this weekend -- this time for TEN days. Sounds silly, but you have no idea how excited we both are to do normal things together...like cook dinner, go grocery shopping, sit around in track pants, and go see a movie. All things couples do when they live in the same city.

Similar to my random inspiration to tell EP he needed to up the efforts so we could break out of 4th Date Twilight Zone, I told SC that I really like him but that he could step up the long distance woo. By no means have I been feeling like we're caught in some dating rut, I just told him lightheartedly that while I understand the significance of him moving deposition dates for me (he's a lawyer -- can't remember if I mentioned that)...those gestures don't mean much to my friends and family, all of whom are watching with a close eye. But other acts of kindness, like how he bought us Red Sox tickets as a surprise during my visit -- now THAT says something to the outside world. So more long distance woo would definitely help me make special. Well, it worked!

After we talked on the phone today about my phone's recent misbehavior (ie: it not receiving his text messages in a timely fashion leaving me to think he had knocked himself unconscious in his apartment with no one around to save him after I didn't hear from him for a day), my doorbell rang. Sure enough -- it was a flower delivery! He sent me a vase full of some of my favorite flowers with a note saying how my living room needed some color and how I'll be visiting him in less than a week. Presh! So for all of you who would categorize yourself as a concerned friend, I'm officially announcing that SC has stepped up the woo and is actively trying to make me feel special despite the 3000 miles between us. He's doing good!
;)

On an unrelated note, I have a few friends who have jumped into the online dating pool. I'm encouraging them to post this blog too...because the whole process is such an interesting adventure. And while this blog was originally intended to document my personal online dating experiences, there is a certain element of universality (is that even a word?) to the journey from which we can all learn. So to my friends who are online dating -- and you know who you are -- please feel free to start posting your stories. Otherwise, I will do it for you. Just kidding.

When All Wrongs Have Been Righted

I should totally be doing work right now but I'm indulging myself for 15 minutes to give a quick update. As you can see, my slowdown in posting is indeed a sign that things are going well.

1) I'm flying out to see SC this Friday night. I am completely thrilled. We've been talking on the phone, texting, emailing, and more recently Skype-ing. (For any of you who have loved ones far away and are interested in video conferencing with them online, you should totally buy webcams and start using Skype. ) I can't even begin to tell you how good it feels to finally openly like SC and have it be okay. In fact, it's better than okay that I like him...because he actually likes me back! Dreamy, I tell you.

2) Caught up with the Ex last Sunday. He helped me install my air conditioner again (please note: he was the one who did it last summer and completely did all this crazy engineering stuff to make it fit in my old apartment window. So in fear of watching my AC fall 4 stories to a sorry death if left to my own devices, I enlisted his help.) It was actually a perfect visit. We caught up on everything (including all the dirt on who we are both now dating), grabbed lunch, and then went through my Israel pics. I am really proud of him -- he's taking so much better care of himself and seems so much happier, comfortable, and confident. All things that I had been praying for him.

The other thing that made the visit fantastic was that we were very honest about the lingering feelings of sadness we both feel at times (ie: "I'm really going to miss our camping trips this summer.") and the anxiety we both feel about the inevitable awkward moments that will happened and have already happened. I mentioned to him my freak out about his dating friend (oh yeah, he definitely does not consider this new girl his girlfriend -- he made sure I knew that!) doing the same races as me...and he completely understood. So it made me feel more normal to know that we both have empathy for the other and actually do worry about the other's feelings even though a lot of this is just unavoidable. And I gave him the full scoop on SC and he was genuinely excited for me. Also a good thing.

We'll both be training later this summer for the same marathon and agreed that we should do some long runs together (trust me, 3 hours out on the road alone just running...you need the company!). So I think that will be a good way to re-cultivate our friendship in the context of new and improved separate lives. This may sound corny, but it truly is a blessing to know that even after all the joys/heartache/time that we can salvage our friendship. When you date someone for a couple years and it ends the way ours did, I've learned that sometimes you don't need to throw the baby out with the bathwater. And that even though things didn't work out, we can still appreciate the good qualities (and probably qualities that attracted us to each other to begin with) of each other and be supportive of each other's new adventures.

3) I also extended the olive branch to EP. We met for a quick sushi dinner. Not much to discuss except I'm glad we are no longer dating (I know I was originally attracted to him because he was a "planner" but now I'm realizing he's a little too much of a planner), he too is doing fine, and I don't think he's used to being friends with girls he's dated. The dinner ended non-dramatically and he offered to still look at my bike later this summer.

With all those things above in mind, now I can exhale.

It's Gettin' Hot in Heeeerh

1. SC is coming out here next weekend. I am so excited! Communication has been frequent and fun. All signs are looking good. So good that I actually just bought myself a plane ticket to go see him in June. Nice.

2. Have had no contact with EP. Trying to keep it out of my head...because when I think about it I just feel bad. But I suppose clean breaks are good breaks. Except that I still have the set of power adapter converters he lent me for my trip to Israel. I need to get those back to him because they're kind of expensive. Also realizing that I wish I had taken him up on his offer to tune up my bike before I dumped him.

3. Yet again, I have proven that I am indeed a magnet for ridiculousness. I recently registered for a marathon in DC and the Ex sent me a very thoughtful email to remind me about registration. We exchanged a few normal catch up emails...the last one in which I accidentally cc'd to our church office. (he had asked for the church office email and I typed it into the cc line so it'd pop up; I copied/pasted into the email and then forgot to delete it from the cc field). Smooth, I know.

4. Yesterday I changed from capri pants into a knee-length skirt at the last second before dashing out of the apt. to go to work. As I'm waiting to cross the street to get on the subway, I look down and realize that I hadn't shaved my legs in about a week. Sexy!


5. Just got some AWESOME post-triathlon sporty spice clothes from this company. I've never ordered something out of a catalog without first trying it on in the store...but I got pretty lucky. I only have to send one thing back to exchange it for a diff't size.

6. Everyone's got a nutty neighbor. We call ours "Crazy Felix." Crazy Felix has a small zoo in his apartment, always looks unkempt, and can often be seen sitting outside sipping hard liquor from a tiny glass while watching his dogs poop right next to the "Keep Pets Off Grass" sign and mumbling in French under his breath. I bumped into him talking to my roommate earlier this week. Ends up Crazy Felix's partner recently passed away and he is starting to have to give his animals away because he can't care for them all on his own. When I crossed paths with him, he was in the middle of telling my roommate how pets make everyone happy. As I joined in on the conversation things went horribly wrong and the conversation ended with Felix giving me and my roommate advice on how to reach orgasm through masturbation. Yes, I'm totally serious.