When the Switch Gets Flipped

...in three ways:

1) Looks like SC and I might be dating. It's so scary but thrilling, I can't even describe what's going on in my head. He is certainly following through on his claims to be more serious this time -- we've been in communication every day since the trip. It's SO crazy. For example, earlier in the week we spoke on the phone and he invited me to a few friends' weddings and was talking about which weekends he could fly out here. Again, crazy. And this is in addition to many serious conversations we've had regarding me applying to doctoral programs, his chances of getting a job here. So amazing because we're on the same page with a lot of things and can both see our lives fitting together so well and $@%@#$% scary because I do not want to get my heart broken...again. I'm practically speechless.

2) I ended things with EP. It wasn't pretty (it ended up happening over the phone) and I think (and rightfully so) he was just so confused and kind of hurt. I was doing the math in my head -- and I think that's maybe the 2nd time I've been on this end of the break up. I was a bumbling fool. Such bad timing for both of us. I think he felt the way I felt at the end of January -- super excited that things were going well and then feeling horribly disappointed when things were not what they seemed. And no -- I didn't tell him about SC. In fact, SC doesn't even know about EP.

3) The Ex really is dating that young woman I saw with him at church. I can come to grips with that -- our lives are so separate now. But even so -- not as separate as I'd like. A mutual friend of ours has started inviting the new girlfriend to races with us. The mutual friend is all about keeping thing diplomatic and therefore invites everyone to everything and leaves those recently heartbroken to figure it out themselves. But I'm having a lot of anxiety around this racing invite scenario. (I embracing this irrational perspective!) Road races and triathlons have been a source of great strength for me -- especially since the break up. I have been able to reclaim them as something that makes me me (as opposed to something the Ex and I used to do together) and I'm sorry, I am just not yet ready to do something I love alongside my ex and his new girlfriend. Too distracting and too dramatic.

Now Hiring: Speech Writers...

Girlnextdoor is now reporting from a university computer lab in Israel.

OK, so I finally have a few minutes to report on my trip to Israel...untimed, free internet access is quite a treat! So here I am in beautiful Israel traveling with Seattle Crush. I believe at one point I contemplated whether or not inviting him was a good idea. It was.

Everything has been great. Not just great, fantastic. I had mentally prepared myself for many different scenarios that could've played out -- EXCEPT the scenario that involved him looking at me and saying, "I think we should start dating." Which of course -- was the scenario that played out during that awkward 5 minutes of us pretending to sleep on opposite ends of the bed. Oh yeah, I apologize right now for any typos...the shift key on the keyboards here in Israel is in a slightly different place so I keep hitting / instead.

The juicier details involved everything being totally friends and by the time we were able to crash at the hotel, I was earnestly trying to fall asleep and was able to stay tough by not saying anything when the awkward silence was broken with this conversation...
SC: So, are you dating anyone?
me: Does it matter? (trying desperately to hold onto the agreed upon condition that EP and SC do not need to know about each other)
SC: Well sort of.
me: It doesn't matter if I say yes or no because the outcome is probably going to be the same either way.
SC: I think we should start dating.
me: (trying to act as if an emotional bomb has not just dropped and is currently sending shrapnel into all internal organs) What does that look like to you?
SC: I could start coming to Boston to see you.
me: Didn't you tell me back in November that you didn't think this whole thing wasn't going to work.
SC: Yeah, but I just needed some time to think about it. And I think we should start dating now. I'm serious this time.
me: (awkward silence) I think I need some time to think about this.

Ok, I should probably get back to my conference but had to at least share those details. But instead of a chaperone, I'm now hiring a speech writer. Because regardless of what I decide to do with SC, there needs to be an important talk with EP when I get back. And I need someone to write that speech for me...because I can't figure out how to handle all of this gracefully. Any ideas?

Another Season of Anticipation

There are two "seasons of waiting" in the Christian calendar, Advent and Lent. (BTW, Happy Easter!) During Advents we await Jesus' birth and in Lent, we await Christ's resurrection. My pastor calls these times seasons of anticipation. (Oh yeah, let it be known that I successfully gave up the snooze button for Lent -- yes, brutal at times -- but doable.)

I think in dating there are also seasons of anticipation. By no means do I give these seasons the same spiritual weight as Advent and Lent, but I do think they deserve acknowledgment. Off the top of my head, I can think of 3 seasons of anticipation in dating...probably because I think I may be experiencing some of them concurrently. How that's possible, I'm not sure -- but here it goes:

The Season of Define the Relationship
Event You're Waiting For: The Define the Relationship Talk
Significance: The amount of time that elapses between the first date and this talk is volatile. According to Paige Parker, women are never supposed to initiate this conversation unless they're willing to accept the chance that the guy may turn around and run away. But once this talk has happened, you have a better idea as to whether or not it's acceptable for you to keep bumping/grinding on the dancefloor with strangers, handing out your phone number, or sending drunken text messages to old flames. I think I'm experiencing this season with EP.

The Season of Planned Reunion
Event You're Waiting For: an activity where you and your ex (or lifelong crush) BOTH know that the other will be attending the same event
Significance: You'll finally know what emotions you'll feel when you see him and can stop asking yourself, "What if I'm still attracted to him? What if I want to vomit all over my shoes? Will he be happy to see me?" With my Israel trip with Seattle Crush quickly approaching, I feel like this is what I'm experiencing.

The Season of First-New-Relationship-After-Major-Breakup
Event You're Waiting For: (or maybe NOT waiting for) The moment when you see your ex with his new tartlet/girlfriend/friend-with-benefits.
Significance: You want to be sure you're wearing every piece of emotional armor you've got and look extremely hot at the same time when you see him. I have to say, I think this may be the most difficult season. I thought of this one because I found a chink in my armor at church today. My ex was there, which was fine...until I realized that he had invited a young woman and her friend to church as well and I had actually already met her before the service at the church breakfast. She was really sweet and I really have no reason to be freaked out -- but when I realized that he had made a new friend (gasp! how dare he! LOL; besides -- I think they really are in friends status; I don't think she's his new girlfriend...yet), I had a very physical reaction. I instantly got a massive headache and felt sick to my stomach. Enough that I decided I needed to excuse myself from coffee hour right away.

I have to admit, for much of my adult life -- when it came to dating again after a breakup -- I have always wanted to be the one who started dating again first. Which has never happened for me until this last year. And even so -- I always thought that if you were the one who started dating first, then seeing your ex with someone new wouldn't hurt. But I think I was too idealistic. I mean, don't get me wrong -- things are good. I'm good. EP is great. Seattle Crush could be good. I have a lot going on that is great. But the greatness doesn't diminish those lingering feelings of disappointment from all the effort I put into my last relationship.

On the bright side, even if today wasn't the culmination of my personal Season of First-New-Relationship-After-Major-Breakup -- it sure was good practice.

4th Date Twilight Zone Officially Over

Apparently during the pub crawl I laid out the 4th Date Twilight Zone theory to EP and it struck a good chord with him. I basically told him I would like to hear from him more during the week and have more informal time with him -- you know, when we just sit around in our workout clothes watching a DVD, go to the grocery store, or just run errands. Pretty much anything that didn't involve either of us having to feel like we had to get dressed up and that I didn't have to put make-up on. He added that he actually wanted to communicate with me more during the week but was a little reluctant because I'm "hard to read sometimes" and that while most guys would find me intimidating -- he thinks I'm a good challenge.

Since this discussion, I have seen him more in the last week than I did for the entire month of January. Seriously.

And last night, we officially pushed through the 4th Date Twilight Zone. He met me out with some friends and we both were exhausted and ended up leaving early and went back to his house. As he was changing into his pajamas, he says, "I think we've gotten past the 4th date thing you were talking about." "How do you know?" I asked. "Because...I'm not at my best right now. I'm tired. And I feel like I can't talk or think as well as I normally can when we're together."

Awwwww. He's human.

Seen or Heard

For the last six years, my friends and I have gone on a 6-stop, highly orchestrated, themed pub crawl to celebrate my birthday. It is always fun...and always dramatic! Here are some funny things that were seen or heard during the 2007 crawl last weekend...

"We're too cool for this bar, but not cool enough to hang out with you and your friends. That's why we stopped by after all."
- group leader of another pub crawl who initially refused to join our crawl; we ended up annexing them for the evening.

"That girl is psycho, I can't believe he's dating her."
- my sister's reaction after a former co-worker's current girlfriend aired their dirty relationship drama to her after meeting her for 10 minutes

"Don't be mad -- I have to leave early tonight. I couldn't find someone to sub my Sunday School class tomorrow morning."
- a pub crawler to the birthday girl

"So what school do you go to?"
- a pub crawler to my 34-year-old sister and her husband

"What I really wanted to say was, 'I want to hug you little man.'"
- my sister's reaction a few minutes after a pub crawler thought she was still in grad school

"Sorry guys. I'm already ovah my capacity right now. We're not even doin' one-out, one-in. Your gonna have to wait."
- the bouncer to us outside the final pub crawl stop where we had our hearts set on dancing up a storm.

"What's up with the cowboy hats tonight? A ton of people have come in here wearing them!"
- cashier behind the 7-11 counter to me and EP while we purchased gatorade and chocolate cookies at 2:30 am. At least 24 of us on the crawl were wearing cowboy hats.

"I woke up and out of the corner of my eye, saw her straddling him on the couch across from me!"
- a pub crawler's report from when she woke up after the pub crawl to see two pub crawlers getting lucky in the same room after knowing each other for 3 hours.